Overly Positive

Someone must have put something into the water supply today, because it sure seems that bloggers everywhere along my blogroll are looking to score some extra comments and grab some attention. Syncaine talks about becoming big time. Ysharros talks about cheese.  Ardua follows it up with American pie hate. Syp just wants fun ways to get comments. Riv whores it up. And Ferrel is clearly king.

Guys and gals, this kind of faux attention-grabbing warms the cockles of my online, pure heart, but c’mon guys – let’s be serious. Bloggers should stop worrying about things like “content” or that ugly “quality” word. Those are just, frankly, boring as hell to me. Nah, what we should be doing is looking to grab as many linkbacks, comments, and by-the-second updates as possible, even if they are on things like pie, mexican food, and toilet habits. It’s simply more fun – I mean, look at all the great comments that are appearing on the blogs above.

I must seriously be doing it wrong with my 26 feedburner readers, instead of following these great tips to pimping out my own blog:

Short posts with big  fluffy words: In today’s McDonald’s-like, “too long, didn’t read” generation, you just have to stop wasting people’s time. People have Facebook pages to check and Twitter statuses to update, so we should definitely be brief. Two paragraphs, or even one with a couple short sentences is clearly best. But said content needs to be meaningful too, and meaningful in the sense that it draws as much commentwhoring as possible. “World of Warcraft sucks donkey balls” works just as well, for example, which brings me to my next point…

Controversy Leads to Profit: Sure, I could waste my time being nice and all, but hell, maybe I need to start throwing in some blanket statements with strong verbs combined with SEO-laced goldmine subjects. For example, “Harry Potter” and “blows”. “Republicans” and “whining”. “Pie” and “is ten million times better than cake”. Maybe Google will mine my posts a little bit better and put them near the top instead of burying them near the bottom with links like “Positive ways to live life without Xanax”.

Masquerade as Someone Hot: Clearly, us geeks need a little bit of help in the looks department, so why not get people to read us more by using our nefarious Photoshop skills to great effect? A little bit of cutting and snipping and we could have an About page that makes us look like Brad Pitt or Jessica Alba in no time. The rest of the Internet, in a desperate attempt to score with us or at least get a winkie smiley to drool over, will rush to comment on anything we write, even if it’s what we had for breakfast.

And finally…

Use Helpful Visual Aids:

…because images like this, that belong on the blog of the greatest attention-whoring hero of all time, clearly raise the quality of posts.

I hope you’ve all been enlightened by these amazingly serious and meaningful tips on becoming a better blogger. Now get out there and seek those comments.