The Care and Feeding of Moderators

Perhaps the greatest masochists on the Internet happen to be those that take on the task of overlooking forums. I’m one of these people. We love to have to deal with two people posting pictures ofSome ex their balls in an attempt to outdo each other. We adore having to look at a 25 page thread regarding an argument that has basically devolved into two people shouting at one another while the rest of the audience throws flames about their target of choice’s gender, orientation, and need to sleep with monkeys. And we really just can’t get enough of those silly pictures that have immortalized Patrick Stewart, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and cats all over the world.

But even moderators need some care once in a while. See that moderator who follows every sentence with a smiley and behaves more like your mother would than a person your age? They are just one hour of neglect away from becoming an acid-spewing, powertripping, psycho killer, armed with a giant ban button and plenty of pent-up rage. So aside from posting a thread titled “wut do u think is gay”, there are a few things you should remember when dealing with your friendly neighborhood moderator.

The first is to be sure to shower appropriate praise once in a while. Moderators are like plants – they like a little sunshine and a good watering once in a while. Some examples include exuding appropriate fear response when a moderator bans 5 of your friends, starting a thread in which you compliment the moderator on their choice of clothes even though you can’t see them, and saying “thank you, may I please have another” when they post a warning to you about telling someone to go fuck themselves with a dirty rake. But be wary – just like plants, moderators hate drowning in too much water and can’t stand the burning pitch of your bright, happy commentary on their thankless job. Attaching your lips to the moderator’s ass will be a sure sign that you will be banned in the near future for being a stalker.

Another thing is to be helpful. Be sure to report every single post you can find that is offensive, especially the ones that are offensive to you. A minimum of 50 reported posts a day will keep your moderator busy and filled with plenty of quality content to sift through. Why, you’ll even be a hero to them for being so vigilant. Sure, your moderator might explode at their computer and decide to instantly ban people after dealing with reported post #15, but in that sense, that will be less people to compete for the affection of the moderator who is rightfully yours. And you’ll never have to see a thread that makes fun of your secret Pokemon fetish again.

But I really have to stress that nothing probably helps us moderators more than creating content, and lots of it. Moderators like me really get going when there’s a lot of content to look at, because otherwise we’d get suddenly bored and decide to randomly ban people whose usernames start with the letter “R”. For the sake of the community (and especially for those of you whose favorite username starts with “R”), it’s your duty to prevent your moderators from getting bored. This means creating plenty of threads. Don’t worry if they have improper spelling, have less than ten characters for letters, or are in the wrong place. Your helpful moderator will move it to the proper place and they will have plenty to do with your 5 threads about how you got sooooo drunk last night or what to do if your significant other tells you you should stop looking for porn while they’re in the room. Honestly, your moderator will be so thankful to you for having the spirit to make threads that belong like they should be in your blog or over instant messenger. They may even find it so stunning that you might not be able to post because they just want you to stop being so awesome with your thread creating insight.

Remember this stuff, guys and gals. It’s definitely sound advice.

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