Indeed, it’s time for another installment of “Worse Case Geek Scenarios”, OP’s helpful guide to all the emergency geek situations you find yourself in. Today, we look at that unexpected problem you get to fix for your non-geek friends – since I’m sure you’re not a total shut-in or antisocial, you must have them, right?
How to Deal With a Non-Geek’s Unexpected Computer Problems
Deflect the Inquiry: Make an attempt to get out of the situation. Suddenly look at your watch as your friend puts forth the question, usually starting with “by the way, while you’re here….”. Begin speaking in tech language meant to confuse your friend, prefaced by the phrase “I’d love to, but…”, such as “I’d love to, but I have to fix the water cooler on my motherboard since the power supply is totally not suitable for my Intel Dual Core Processor with 4 GB of RAM, god I hate those BIOS problems with the IRQs”. Do not make eye contact of any kind, especially if the friend is an attractive member of the sex of your preference. Resulting guilt and/or puppy dog look is dangerous and could suck you in.
Create Expectation of Failure: If deflection is unsuccessful and you are forced to address the fact that your friend has the technical skill of a slug, sit at the computer or tech device in question. Shake your head and create the illusion of a “serious” problem by pulling a “Picard” and facepalming like on the left. Say something that creates an expectation of time spent on your part, such as “boy, this looks a bit serious”. Warning: refrain from exaggeration when doing this, such as exclaiming “Well, you’re fucked”. This can only make the situation worse for you as your tech-addled friend may insist on you staying while they contact tech support.
Try a 5-Second solution: Look over the problem with the illusion of caring about it. Regardless of the problem, create a solution that will only take 5 seconds to implement. Examples include power cycling the device, mindlessly clicking into random settings and clicking on them, and “seeing if something else works”, like putting in a random CD sitting on your friend’s desk, or starting a meaningless scan that “needs to complete before I can do anything” so you can escape. Maintain eye contact with the screen at all times so as not to excude the aura of insincerity.
Physical Restoration: If all else fails to get you out of the situation, look evilly at the computer, visualize that douchebag trendy jock who beat you up in high school (the one on the left will suffice), and deliver a physical restoration method to it. Methods include swift kicks (not recommended without shoes), pounding on it with your fist, and throwing the keyboard in the air while screaming in frustration. The jolt of physical activity, while hurtful to your exercise-barren body, may shock your friend into letting you go for fear of personal safety. If this is not the case, it also serves as a clear marker to let you leave before you cause further damage.
Delegate and Reassure: Point your friend at the tech support line under the documentation that came with the computer that is gathering dust. Look sympathetic, as a doctor would when a patient has a terminal disease, and state that you are sure outsourced tech support with a thin grasp of your native language will assist better than you could. Remove yourself quickly from the situation, and turn off phones with a cover story of “my cellphone is low” so as to prevent your friend from contacting you later in a fit of tears.