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Category: Overly Positive Thoughts

November 12, 2009

Overly Positive Thoughts: The Brand New Review Score

by Frank — Categories: Gaming, Overly Positive Thoughts — Tags: , , , — 2 Comments

42-18969280Over at Destructoid, there’s a particularly great and meaningful article up by Jim Sterling about how to respond properly to a video game review. If you haven’t read it yet, feel free to go do so prior to coming back around to hear about today’s dose of sunshine. A couple of the tips involved: claim bias, make random comparisons, and attack the reviewer. I was definitely enlightened, and you will be too.

One of the things that Jim touches upon, and what I plan on talking about, is the idea that the review scoring system is broken – in the way that anything above a 9.0 is perfectly fine and anything below it means the entire system is borked out. Completely legitimate folks – as someone who likes to give a perpetual 10 to everything I touch, I have to say – positivity is always consistent (10) while negativity is just so darned subjective (what IS a 5.0 vs. a 6.0 anyway?). It’s certainly not because numbers provide a decent context and a fair scale of bad vs. good on an even keel, now is it?

So I say to ye, review scoring system, it’s time for you to go. But what shall we replace it with? Here are some amazing and insightful ideas I just had. Clearly one of these must be implemented as quickly as possible to ensure the future integrity of games reviews.

EleventyOneMade-up Numbers – Let’s face it, folks, math is hard. All these crazy numbers adding and subtracting and dividing into each other. Who needs that inconvenience when you’re reviewing games? Better to go with numbers you can actually trust, like “eleventy-one”, “fourbajillionzillion”, and “42″. With the randomness of the system assured, one cannot criticize the numbers for being vague because no matter what you score a game, it’s all vague. Equality, people – it’s the stuff of legends.

applesandoranges

Fruit – If we’re going to review something and subject ourselves to writing walls of text that will need to deal with the ADD that some people have about the Internet, we might as well make it tasty, right? Fruit’s been around for seemingly forever, and it’s already prominent in cultural colloquialism (apples and oranges are famous by now). Also, can you imagine rating something a “Succulent Strawberry” or a “Passionate Peach”? I’m drooling already. For the negative reviews, you could always go with fruit gone terribly wrong, too. I mean, it’s worked for one site that is totally not subjectively selective at all, right?

…but by personal favorite by far has to be:

funny-pictures-cat-will-kill-dinosaurCats - In the great cat vs. dog debate, cats are clearly on top right now. Why? Because dogs haven’t become an internet meme phenomenon that is an endless sausage factory of amateur-Photoshopped and outlined-text images, that’s why. Cats, being the self-thought rulers of the world that they are, are the perfect arbiters for the determination of whether or not a game is good. Nothing says “good” like cat holding sniper rifle or conversely, “bad” like pissed cat in moose costume. The range of cat emotions runs long and wide, so if you can’t understand that a cat has given a meaningful and intelligent review score, it is, perhaps, time to go back to school.

So there you have it – my totally infallible bunch of suggestions to fix gaming review scores. Better take note, because if you don’t, I might just implement the ideas myself and create great, totally non-biased, non-subjective, non-opinionated reviews of my own. Watch out!

November 5, 2009

Overly Positive Thoughts – Wii Still Got Game

by Frank — Categories: Gaming, Overly Positive Thoughts — Tags: , , — 2 Comments

wii2So it seems that the love affair with the Wii might be coming to a bit of a close. According to the NY Daily News, it seems that sales for the Wii are down, as are profits for Nintendo. In fact, of all consoles, the perpetually third Sony has leapfrogged into first with their lower price and PS3 Slim console.

Those of you who are clutching your cute little motion controllers close to you might seem to think that dark days are ahead for Nintendo, but that’s where I come in. I think the Wii is going to be around for a long time to come, and here’s why.

It looks good: Do you guys keep wondering why Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian keep getting shows and CD’s and all that good stuff? Let me tell you, kiddos, it isn’t because they provide intellectual discourse on a variety of meaningful topics. Admit it, folks – the Wii is just as hot-looking-but-you-feel-dirty-afterwards as ever, mostly because everyone knows about it and how “cute” it looks in your house. Sure, it ranks somewhere below your toaster for useful appliances, but that’s not the point. The Wii is your trophy-wife status symbol, your way to get hot people who wouldn’t normally play games back to your place, so you’d better feel good about having one.

Anyone can play it: Sure, the most epic feeling you might get from playing a Wii game is from using a disjointed Fisher-Price avatar to win dumbed-down sports games, but at least you won’t be looked at as a weirdo when doing it. The Wii’s gateway appeal means anyone can give it a whirl, and that honestly means that your gaming hobby will be looked at as a significantly worthwhile pasttime. This is tons better than having it seen as your strange and disturbing obsession with shooting things in the face with a shotgun. Go go social acceptance!

Cool new thingees: Ok, so maybe no one has any clue what the Wii Vitality Sensor will do other than create unfortunate potential lawsuits from electric malfunctions, but hey – who else is innovating like that? When you can design a remote that you can attach crazy things to, you can design anything. You guys might be laughing now, sure, but when Nintendo comes out with addon peripherals that allow you to monitor when you need to drink more beer, chastise you about your lack of doing laundry, and give you the ability to order pizza at the touch of a button, you’ll be sorry. Nintendo’s not done creating wild and crazy ways to play the same titles and characters over and over again, so you’d better get used to it!

See that? I’m always here to make you feel better, even if you do favor a console that is designed in a way that your grandparents can pwn you with. It’s all good.

October 29, 2009

Overly Positive Thoughts: The Considerate Facebook

by Frank — Categories: Internet, Overly Positive Thoughts, Social Geekery — Tags: , — 5 Comments

friendsSo I couldn’t help but notice the other day that among the ninja changes that usually happen on Facebook was one in which the social networking app tries to be just a little bit more helpful and considerate towards the friends you have on your list. Some of the suggestions it makes include getting people started, connecting with others, and in the case of this picture, finding more friends for folks.

I have to say, this has really sent the Facebook app to a whole other level in terms of the consideration it is giving to your friends and you. How can you call something like trying to find friends for the people who don’t whore themselves out to everyone they’ve ever chatted with pretentious? Clearly this is Facebook’s way of being kinder and gentler, not of trying to tell you that the way to use the application is to make sure as many people as possible see that picture of your privates from last night’s party.

Sure, some people might see the fact that Facebook suggesting your photo-less friends need more profile pics as jerky, but c’mon – who doesn’t want to see who gained the Freshman Fifteen and the Post-Grad Paunch? On Facebook, they totally encourage you through their multitude of shovelware apps and monkey-written self-tests to just be yourself and let it all hang out. Saying that people should be helped into “getting started” (and by getting started that means hurrying up and posting 10 notes about 20 Things About You, Your Friends, And Your Dog’s Poop) isn’t pushy, it’s more like a gentle nudge.

So folks, don’t forget to check your sidebar next time for a helpful suggestion from Facebook to make your friends less lame in its eyes. Who knows – they might get a suggestion about doing the same for you. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

October 8, 2009

Overly Positive Thoughts – You Down With FTC? Yeah You Know Me

by Frank — Categories: Overly Positive Thoughts — 1 Comment

naughty_by_nature

Oh man – sure, I date myself just by referring to this particular album, but here at Overly Positive, we’ve never been ashamed to admitting to having knowledge of some great tune of the past – and the one on the right is one of them. Respect, my dear readers.

Speaking of respect, today we’re going to be talking about the Federal Trade Commission, or the FTC for short, and their completely thought-out, intelligent ruling to protect consumers and vendors regarding blogs. You see, the FTC thinks that “bloggers” (air quotes included, take note) might somehow be predisposed towards reviewing things favorably should they receive them for free. So to prevent the obvious subjectivity that might result from, say, receiving free naked pictures with a review copy of Dante’s Inferno, they’re telling all us “bloggers” (air quotes is hard to do when typing, geez) to make sure we let our readers know when we get free stuff. That is, unless we like paying a $11,000 fine for not doing so.

I’ve read so many people up in arms about this! C’mon guys, look at how great this stuff is. I mean, for a long time, the government had no idea about what to do with bloggers like us. We kinda looked like that freakish pet in the pet store that might have had only 3 legs or crazy looking fur to them. Now we might actually be treated like actual people. I mean, sure, the real journalists exist on sites that totally review things in a fair and honest manner that didn’t involve a bar night out or a studio visit with totally subtle all-you-can-eat food. But didn’t all star athletes start by warming the bench? This is our ticket to riches and review copies of C-List products! Be excited!

Surely the FTC did their research before coming to this ruling. They must have understood that blogging is totally by nature subjective and biased anyway, and chosen to focus on the “evil” bloggers who sell such bias for free stuff. I’m certain these are the true scourge of the Internet, and not someone who totally chooses to irrationally hate something even though they haven’t even tried it or played with it for any extended period of time. Angry ranters and haters, not to worry – the FTC is on your side.

Besides, being regulated and possibly being slapped across the face because we forgot to tell people we got free AOL discs in the mail means we’re legit, right? Look at all the great historical figures of cinema for proof – William Wallace from Braveheart, Davy Crockett from Remember the Alamo, hell, even the legendary Jedi. They were kind of boring and not too great when they weren’t really recognized, but when they were regulated and treated as rebels, well – that’s recognition. I can hear the cries for freedom now.

So dry your eyes, “bloggers” – not out of sadness, but out of happiness. Because if the FTC finds “bloggers” as important as the other issues which certainly need attention in their purview it means that we’re not just a speck anymore, but a speck that could be squashed. Oh, the anticipation.

September 17, 2009

Overly Positive Thoughts: Designing Video Games Is Not Fun!

by Frank — Categories: Gaming, Overly Positive Thoughts — Tags: , , , — 2 Comments
Office Space: Motion Picture soundtrack album ...
Image via Wikipedia

Today I had to save myself from commenting until Overly Positive Thoughts on Thursday for an interesting little newsbit that came from Destructoid via Gamespot about Activision Blizzard CEO Robert Kotick’s comments about the kind of working environment he likes to inspire. Sure, he was talking to investors – the kind of cheerful people who would appreciate a zero-dollar expense report for Christmas more than an actual gift – but  I’ll just let these quotes stand on their own:

When he wasn’t promoting the company’s games or technology, Kotick was celebrating its laserlike focus on the bottom line. He pointed to changes he implemented in the past as being particularly beneficial, such as designing the employee incentive program so it “really rewards profit and nothing else.”

“You have studio heads who five years ago didn’t know the difference between a balance sheet and a bed sheet who are now arguing allocations in our CFO’s office pretty regularly,” Kotick said.

He later added, “We have a real culture of thrift. The goal that I had in bringing a lot of the packaged goods folks into Activision about 10 years ago was to take all the fun out of making video games.”

If that sounds like it would create a corporate culture that isn’t all sunshine and hugs, then it’s mission accomplished for Kotick. The executive said that he has tried to instill into the company culture “skepticism, pessimism, and fear” of the global economic downturn, adding, “We are very good at keeping people focused on the deep depression.”

Now I have to say – I’m actually pretty pleased to hear some of these comments from a CEO. I mean, let’s be honest, the “evil” CEO model that we’ve seen in countless feel-good after-school specials, in movies like Office Space, and in the Simpsons as the immorally-inclined Mr. Burns is not something we typically see – it’s a caricature. But I have to thank Mr. Kotick for finally creating the embodiment of this little exaggeration, revealing that even in the worst of stereotypes, there’s a little bit of truth. Great job on breathing new life into that little comedic element, my friend Mr. Kotick – I know it was just getting around to being passe.

And what about his comments about the working environment? Take the fun out of making video games? Keep people pessimistic and afraid to produce results? Why, I think these things are just the paragon of thoughtfulness, despite what people might think at face value. I mean, working at a job that you might consider a dream job should totally be shattered from the very beginning. We can’t have these lofty things like idealism and passion, and love interfering with how many plastic guitars or Mountain Dew-endorsed sodas we sell, right? It takes years for someone in the games industry to become jaded, fearful, and paranoid about their job. Kotick’s just shortcutting all that, ensuring that developers under his umbrella are sure to be molded into the office and cubicle drones you see in, well, our jobs, or in a cubicle in Dilbert’s office. Bravo for cutting to the quick, Kotick.

And let’s not forget what’s important here – it’s not anything unimportant like making sure your workers want to come to work every day or advancing the industry through innovation and improvement borne of genuine love for the games community. Nah, it’s all about the Benjamins, baby – as in the ones that Mr. Kotick is stuffing into his pants pockets by the thousands. The richness of enjoying and getting fulfillment from what you do surely pales in comparison to the richness of buying 5 houses, 4 cars, and having more unfulfilling, empty romances than you can count on your hands, toes, and other appendages, right? Surely the kinds of changes that focus on the “bottom line” are the ones responsible for why Activision and Blizzard products sell so well.

We’ve got some real insight here, guys and gals, and something that you should pay attention to – it’s not the fact that you have a ready-made IP that people recognize or games with wide-ranging appeal that practically sell themselves sequel after unnecessary sequel. It’s totally because your workers are too afraid to quit for other jobs or they work for 20 hours a day toiling on their very “un-fun” games in an effort to maybe grab onto the CEO’s shoelaces during the next company executive yacht cruise (because coattails would be being pretentious, you see).

This totally makes me want to sign up for a games job. Sign me up, Bobby!

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September 10, 2009

Overly Positive Thoughts – Rock Band Regalia

by Frank — Categories: Gaming, Overly Positive Thoughts — Tags: , , — 27 Comments
LOS ANGELES, CA - JUNE 01: Dhani Harrison, so...
Image by Getty Images via Daylife

So I’m a day late with this one, but I think this bit of news deserved a spot in Thursday’s wonderful Overly Positive Thoughts.

For those not in the know about Fisher Price guitars, Beatles: Rock Band came out yesterday on the auspicious and appropriately alliterative date of 9/9/09.  A lot of people have been excited about another opportunity to play toy guitar and embarrass themselves show off their talent at singing, but not everyone. My friend Sarah was talking to me about this yesterday, and she’s just not into all the hype – she might even be a bit grumpy about the whole thing.

So just like with Syncaine yesterday, I’m here for my friends to give them a bit of a boost about this highly significant title in the world of Simon-Says-Touch-This-Button-NOW games. Sarah, you should really cheer up. I mean, think about the benefit this has for today’s generation. A generation that has trouble understanding the first thing beyond Facebook updates and numbered meals at McDonald’s needs the Beatles, and what better way to do it than to wrap them into a game they can stare at for hours? Today’s generation doesn’t need these silly things like “musical appreciation” and “understanding of historical impact” of the Beatles. Pish Posh! It’s Rock Band – they just need to know which colored keys to press.

Sure, maybe they have no idea that the Beatles’ storied history spans a vast library past the song list in the Rock Band game. Maybe they’ll only remember that on “Hey Jude” you have to move your hand over two keys at the solo to get the 100%. But at least they’ll understand that there are some cool songs that they can totally post Youtube videos to that prove they five-starred everything …until the DLC comes out, that is. Isn’t modern education grand?

It’s too bad that the completely remastered mono recordings of the Beatles and the Beatles: Rock Band game are basically the same price. Clearly, the more meaningful purchase is the Rock Band game. Who wants to bother listening to the entire discography of one of the most iconic bands of all time when you can totally just choose to make a poor attempt at sounding British when singing “Yellow Submarine“? Maybe if the mono recordings included free DLC and an extra guitar instrument they’d stand a chance outselling Beatles: Rock Band. Geez. Hindsight really is 20/20, isn’t it?

So don’t worry, Sarah, and everyone else not feeling good about Beatles: Rock Band – I’m sure that the many 10/10 reviews and world-record-breaking scores on Uber-Ultra-Expert-Purple-Monkey-Dishwasher will be an appropriate homage to the Beatles and what they were. Enjoy it and embrace it – don’t hate on it!

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September 3, 2009

Overly Positive Thoughts: Games Iz Too Productive!

by Frank — Categories: Gaming, Overly Positive Thoughts — Tags: , — Leave a comment
Another Day In Cubicle Paradise
Image via Wikipedia

The indomitable Jim Sterling from Destructoid dropped in an article talking about some curious comments that came through from Gundam creator Yoshiyuki Tomino. Apparently, Tomino isn’t too fond of games, saying that they are horribly “unproductive”, “waste electricity”, and are “assisting in the death of our planet”.

Now I liked Gundam as much as the next anime fan dude, but this is rather silly, Mr. Tomino. Are you aware of the laundry list of what kind of productivity games lead to? Do you have any idea what kind of planet-saving value playing games actually does? I don’t think you do, so some examples are most certainly in order.

Hand-eye coordination is probably the most common thing. Think about it, Gundam guy – if we didn’t have the coordination borne from hours of playing Mario and Zelda, we’d never be able to watch your shows while simultaneously downing a Red Bull, or lift popcorn to our chubby little faces while we cheer for the latest Gundam design pounding through its enemies. We wouldn’t be able to properly operate the DVD remote in the darkness, feverishly moving past the ending and intro tracks of your show. To get to another riveting Gundam episode, where overly emotional teenagers inexplicably save the world with technology that is surprisingly as advanced as it is color-coordinated (for better merchandising of course), we need that reflex that comes only from games.

And what about the lessons we learn in games? If we weren’t desensitized to the violence of someone ‘s bowels being ripped from their stomach because of hours of Ninja Gaiden or God of War, wouldn’t you say that we wouldn’t be able to stomach episodes where giant robots blast each other into tiny bits? What if we’d never learned from 7 playthroughs of Metal Gear Solid that “love can bloom on the battlefield” and that you should treat the ones you love with hate or cold, unfeeling apathy? We’d never be able to deal with all those Heero and Relena anime music videos.

So you see, aside from boring counterarguments that any pasttime is honestly a “time-waster”, there are clear and present benefits to playing tons of games and wasting plenty of the earth’s electrical power. But I dunno – maybe Tomino would rather we spend our efforts on something far more productive – like making a life-sized Gundam. Eh – I can get behind that, I guess, right?

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August 27, 2009

Overly Positive Thoughts – Blogwhoring Is Best

by Frank — Categories: Overly Positive Thoughts, Social Geekery — Tags: — 9 Comments
SXSW 2007 -2 Naked Cowboy
Image by kallao via Flickr

Someone must have put something into the water supply today, because it sure seems that bloggers everywhere along my blogroll are looking to score some extra comments and grab some attention. Syncaine talks about becoming big time. Ysharros talks about cheese.  Ardua follows it up with American pie hate. Syp just wants fun ways to get comments. Riv whores it up. And Ferrel is clearly king.

Guys and gals, this kind of faux attention-grabbing warms the cockles of my online, pure heart, but c’mon guys – let’s be serious. Bloggers should stop worrying about things like “content” or that ugly “quality” word. Those are just, frankly, boring as hell to me. Nah, what we should be doing is looking to grab as many linkbacks, comments, and by-the-second updates as possible, even if they are on things like pie, mexican food, and toilet habits. It’s simply more fun – I mean, look at all the great comments that are appearing on the blogs above.

I must seriously be doing it wrong with my 26 feedburner readers, instead of following these great tips to pimping out my own blog:

Short posts with big  fluffy words: In today’s McDonald’s-like, “too long, didn’t read” generation, you just have to stop wasting people’s time. People have Facebook pages to check and Twitter statuses to update, so we should definitely be brief. Two paragraphs, or even one with a couple short sentences is clearly best. But said content needs to be meaningful too, and meaningful in the sense that it draws as much commentwhoring as possible. “World of Warcraft sucks donkey balls” works just as well, for example, which brings me to my next point…

Controversy Leads to Profit: Sure, I could waste my time being nice and all, but hell, maybe I need to start throwing in some blanket statements with strong verbs combined with SEO-laced goldmine subjects. For example, “Harry Potter” and “blows”. “Republicans” and “whining”. “Pie” and “is ten million times better than cake”. Maybe Google will mine my posts a little bit better and put them near the top instead of burying them near the bottom with links like “Positive ways to live life without Xanax”.

Masquerade as Someone Hot: Clearly, us geeks need a little bit of help in the looks department, so why not get people to read us more by using our nefarious Photoshop skills to great effect? A little bit of cutting and snipping and we could have an About page that makes us look like Brad Pitt or Jessica Alba in no time. The rest of the Internet, in a desperate attempt to score with us or at least get a winkie smiley to drool over, will rush to comment on anything we write, even if it’s what we had for breakfast.

And finally…

Use Helpful Visual Aids:

Girls Kissing
Image by Capt. Tim via Flickr

…because images like this, that belong on the blog of the greatest attention-whoring hero of all time, clearly raise the quality of posts.

I hope you’ve all been enlightened by these amazingly serious and meaningful tips on becoming a better blogger. Now get out there and seek those comments.

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August 20, 2009

Overly Positive Thoughts – The Average Gamer

by Frank — Categories: Overly Positive Thoughts — Tags: — 2 Comments
The plague of anorexia must be overcome
Image via Wikipedia

So today is another day in the scientific quest to figure out geeks and gamers, and a study coming from the CDC, Emory University, and Andrews University throws in their two cents by coming to the conclusion that the average gamer is 35, overweight, and depressed. The survey was compiled using a random sample of 552 individuals in the Seattle/Tacoma area.

Now, you’d think that this would be a negative for the gamer community, but like always, Overly Positive is here to tell you that there is indeed a silver lining within the rolls of fat that apparently typify the “average” gamer. I mean, obviously, the first is a conclusion you might not have come to when reading this article or study, and that’s the fact that apparently, gamers have fat people in their fold just like anyone else. Gamers aren’t crazy people behind computers and joysticks who karate kick our classmates like in Mortal Kombat and cite Grand Theft Auto as inspiration for stealing cars. No sir, we too have the same sort of normal, overweight, antisocial, and perhaps even depressed folk that a group of politicians might have, or maybe musicians (I’m looking at you in your grave, Elvis), or even, like the picture might depict, motorcycle riders. They say America is generally overweight? Well we gamers are more than happy to contribute to the overall stereotype. We’re nothing but team players, after all – that’s what 20 hours a day of Call of Duty inspires.

What about the obviously awesome fact that because gamers spend all their time in front of screen and never, ever go outside that they aren’t cluttering up the outside world with their massive bulk? You know, pixellated avatars take up significantly less space than on a plane that requires gamers to have two seats or a restaurant that dreads a fatty gamer at the all-you-can-eat buffet. The average person from the obviously broad 500+ person sample is too busy wrecking faces on the internet and bragging about it with prolific “pwned like ur mom” posts. They don’t have any desire to go fatty dance it up in your clubs, in your bars, or in your wine-tasting parties. High class events? Psh – hero class is so much better. Normal people don’t try to screw up a good MMO raid with their lack of keyboard binding ability, and average gamers don’t try to awkwardly hit on someone who is 3 times less their weight. Everyone wins.

But last but not least, take note of what this study says about gamers who aren’t on average bigger than a blimp, in their 30′s, and feeling like they want to punch themselves in the face daily. It may seem ultra-obvious guys and gals, but to those gamers who are rocking their teens and 20′s, weigh on average less than a wet noodle, and are always hopped-up-happy on energy drinks, you’re  above average.  You’re above the curve, overachievers, as good as a sword-swinging ninja on the highest difficulty. You’re the cream of the crop of the gamer world – hell, it might even get you laid once in a  millennium, right? All you gotta do, is walk up to that special someone and say “hey baby – want to dance with someone who’s above average in Guitar Hero? Science says so.” Guaranteed success.

So sure, you might think that the study is totally false, that Seattle might not be the most representative area or that 500 people are hardly the gaming nation of millions. But c’mon – let’s use the science as long as it’s there, right?

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August 13, 2009

Overly Positive Thoughts: Revenge of the Noobs

by Frank — Categories: Gaming, Overly Positive Thoughts — Tags: — 1 Comment
Dave pwning his noob friends.
Image via Wikipedia

Today I’ve got a message of hope – as delivering hope and sunny optimism is a core function of this here blog – for all of you players out there of “New-Out-Of-Box” skill level. That’s right – it’s time to make the noobs feel better.

Are you the one who charges right ahead of your team in a team game and dies first because you think you can take 20 guys all by yourself? What about if you’re the one who picks up the flag and has less of a clue about where to go to cap it than a monkey on speed? Or maybe you’re the last guy alive and you just can’t remember that darned “disarm bomb” button even though a 5 year old would know it. Yep, you’re a noob.

It’s real easy to despair being called a noob, you know. After all, having to endure the slights and insults thrown around about you, your parents, and your current or future progeny is in and of itself a not-so-pleasant experience. Sure, you can always fall back on the whole “I have a life and you don’t” argument, but what if the person you launch that tried and true counter-volley at is actually a successful CEO with 3 kids and more cars than the Indy 500? Because everyone tells the truth on the Internet, you’d be totally screwed.

Some people like to struggle out of the noob label by simply getting better at a game. But finding out things like where on the map you’re supposed to go when you get started or worse yet, reading instructions or guides written by non-noobs takes effort and time – time better spent making half-hearted passes at people you’re attracted to at the bar. Besides, rolling your face across the keyboard as opposed to hitting the correct buttons in sequence is both stress-relieving and relaxing for your forehead.

Not to worry though – noobs by definition serve a valuable and meaningful function. For one thing, someone has to do it. I mean, it does kind of suck being the smallest insect at the bottom of the food chain, but you know what – without that insignificant bug with no ability to fend for itself, the whole ecosystem would fall apart. Such is the way it is with the serious business of online team games. If there wasn’t a noob, there wouldn’t be people to compare the lowest common denominator to. The highest of the high scores would become the standard, setting an unrealistic bar for those aspiring to be better. Mass chaos and flames would ensue.

Noobs provide entertainment value, too. If there wasn’t someone out there who blew themselves up with the murderball or a grenade that bounced back at their team, there would be less joy and Youtube videos out in the wild. If there wasn’t hilarious lol’s to be had at someone who plays Madden so badly they get sacked in their own endzone 4 times a quarter, people looking to relieve stress over losing a close game would resort to fits of rage and anguish over not being as  good as someone else. The laughing stock that noobs are often put into isn’t ab object of ridicule – it’s a service to others.

Lastly, there’s the educational aspect. If there wasn’t someone out there who made stupid mistakes like shooting their own teammates in the head with shotguns or wading into the enemy respawn zone in an effort to be Jean Claude Van Damme with a sword then no one would know what not to do. People would be left to fend for themselves from a learning perspective without obviously wrong things that noobs tend to do. Think about it guys and gals – who would Gallant be without Goofus? Who would Megatron be without Starscream? That’s right, nobody. The online world needs people who bungle their way through a game of Call of Duty or Halo, and that’s where noobs come in.

So hold your heads up high, noobs, and continue to be who you are – people that make me feel better about my 2 to 15 score because you scored 1 kill (yourself) and 30 deaths. I’ll be rooting for you.

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