Bad Movie Review (Extra Life 2018) – Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

The Bad Movie Review series of posts are a set of posts written as the result of meeting a $1,200 stretch goal for Extra Life, an annual 24-hour video gaming charity marathon event that benefits children’s hospitals.

Cult horror has its roots in the absurd to the extent that things get a bit goofy, and a killer bed that basically eats people and objects through acidic bubble bath definitely fits the bill. Thus does the titular Death Bed claim its unsuspecting victims. An inanimate, unmoving object has never been given so much murderous power for such a sleep-inducing purpose.

There’s very little in the way of consistency in Death Bed, and the few items that are are disjointed and don’t make much sense to include. One is the director’s apparent obsession with sex and partial nudity – it gets gratuitous to the point of being uncomfortable, making me think the only historical value it serves is to be the precursor to horror’s cardinal sin of never having sex or removing your clothes if you want to stay alive. The other is the narrator, one of the Death Bed’s earlier victims who is somehow still alive but trapped behind a painting in the room, serving as the means to move the plot along, provide backstory, and be a foil for the demonically-animated bed’s actions. Did I mention that they get given all the jewelry the bed eats and that they’ve got tuberculosis randomly? If not, it doesn’t matter, since it never really figures significantly in the film anyway.

If there is one thing that this film does that appears consistent with the horror films that would follow it, it’s perhaps the sheer idiocy of its victims. Sure, some of them are just unwitting pieces of meat that would never think a bed would submerge them into yellow soda pop the devoured their flesh, but none of them ever really thinks to deal with the Death Bed properly (I mean, there’s literally a fireplace with firewood and nobody ever thinks to set the bed on fire from far away). The first couple doesn’t think anything of their food and drink somehow instantly being devoured behind their backs, it never occurs to another character that someone who said they’d sleep in the bed and then be suddenly missing might give them the creeps, and another, upon witnessing their friend’s death at the hands of the bed decides not to run away, not to fight back, but to sit in a corner and be depressed.

The thing that absolutely just made me laugh out loud at the insanity of the presentation was a character who tries (valiantly) to stab the bed open to get out a victim, only to have their hands eaten away to bones. Instead of screaming in pain or figuring that it might be a good time to get the heck out of there, they wonder about their cartilage decaying and stare at their skeletal hands, asking for them to be amputated because “they can’t stand looking at it”. It’s perhaps one of the most ridiculous scenes in the movie (only topped by how the Death bed ultimately meets its end), but perhaps displays the clear Darwinism that needed to be exercised upon the characters. If they can’t beat a demonic object that can at most throw bed sheets around and can’t even move itself, they deserve what ultimately happened to them. It’s probably worth watching just for the yuk factor of having a bed outsmart humans for the better part of an hour and twenty minutes, if for nothing else to see how someone could possibly write that into an actual film.

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