Command And Conquer Cheese

Recently I managed to pick up Command and Conquer: Red Alert 3 for the cheap while out looking spend a bit of birthday gift certificate goodness. In doing so I continued a grand old tradition of worship for the series that begun in college when seeing the original Command and Conquer in the campus computer lab and continues to this day.

Command and Conquer’s RTS mechanics are well-loved around the world as the most well-known army alternative to the fantasy and sci-fi stylings of Warcraft and Starcraft, respectively. While there is a fair bit of the fantastic in the Command and Conquer series, for the most part in comparison to its competitors it is fairly gronded. You have regular soldiers with regular weapons, some interesting takes on armored vehicles and the obvious superweapons that are specialized for each faction.

But putting all that aside, the place where I personally think Command and Conquer shines is the cheese factor. It started off as a couple of stilted, yet hilariously “serious business” cutscenes featuring color-coordinated soldiers and cliche goodie-goodies and nefarious baddies. Now it’s evolved into a “who will they get next” sort of contest to see which actor decides to play a decidedly over the top role in cutscenes that have become more reward than plot. The Red Alert subdivision of Command and Conquer is perhaps the greatest offender in the cheese column, with silly time traveling machines, multiple assassinations by the most obvious poison ever, betrayals you can see from eons away, and more.

Seeing some of your favorite geekery actors in roles like the Command and Conquer series’ is both funny and engaging at the same time. The likes of Michael Ironside, Billy Dee Williams, Jennifer Morrison, Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, Josh Holloway, James Earl Jones, Tim Curry, Jenny McCarthy, and even George Takei have all been in Command and Conquer at some point, and that’s not even counting all the actors you might have seen in one or two small tv show appearances. When you see a favorite actor communicate in all seriousness the fact that the Allies are protecting a Chronosphere that can send people back in time, that’s one thing, but when you see them meaningfully talk about using Soviet-trained bears wearing headsets to destroy it, that’s when you have real cheesy, comedy gold.

I look forward to playing through the latest Command and Conquer title, and being treated for my hours-long campaigns with a bit of 2-minute cheese factory. If you don’t believe me, just simply take a look at Tim Curry trying to do a Russian accent and assassinating of all people, Einstein. You’ll be convinced.