Overly Positive

So today is another day in the scientific quest to figure out geeks and gamers, and a study coming from the CDC, Emory University, and Andrews University throws in their two cents by coming to the conclusion that the average gamer is 35, overweight, and depressed. The survey was compiled using a random sample of 552 individuals in the Seattle/Tacoma area.

Now, you’d think that this would be a negative for the gamer community, but like always, Overly Positive is here to tell you that there is indeed a silver lining within the rolls of fat that apparently typify the “average” gamer. I mean, obviously, the first is a conclusion you might not have come to when reading this article or study, and that’s the fact that apparently, gamers have fat people in their fold just like anyone else. Gamers aren’t crazy people behind computers and joysticks who karate kick our classmates like in Mortal Kombat and cite Grand Theft Auto as inspiration for stealing cars. No sir, we too have the same sort of normal, overweight, antisocial, and perhaps even depressed folk that a group of politicians might have, or maybe musicians (I’m looking at you in your grave, Elvis), or even, like the picture might depict, motorcycle riders. They say America is generally overweight? Well we gamers are more than happy to contribute to the overall stereotype. We’re nothing but team players, after all – that’s what 20 hours a day of Call of Duty inspires.

What about the obviously awesome fact that because gamers spend all their time in front of screen and never, ever go outside that they aren’t cluttering up the outside world with their massive bulk? You know, pixellated avatars take up significantly less space than on a plane that requires gamers to have two seats or a restaurant that dreads a fatty gamer at the all-you-can-eat buffet. The average person from the obviously broad 500+ person sample is too busy wrecking faces on the internet and bragging about it with prolific “pwned like ur mom” posts. They don’t have any desire to go fatty dance it up in your clubs, in your bars, or in your wine-tasting parties. High class events? Psh – hero class is so much better. Normal people don’t try to screw up a good MMO raid with their lack of keyboard binding ability, and average gamers don’t try to awkwardly hit on someone who is 3 times less their weight. Everyone wins.

But last but not least, take note of what this study says about gamers who aren’t on average bigger than a blimp, in their 30′s, and feeling like they want to punch themselves in the face daily. It may seem ultra-obvious guys and gals, but to those gamers who are rocking their teens and 20′s, weigh on average less than a wet noodle, and are always hopped-up-happy on energy drinks, you’re  above average.  You’re above the curve, overachievers, as good as a sword-swinging ninja on the highest difficulty. You’re the cream of the crop of the gamer world – hell, it might even get you laid once in a  millennium, right? All you gotta do, is walk up to that special someone and say “hey baby – want to dance with someone who’s above average in Guitar Hero? Science says so.” Guaranteed success.

So sure, you might think that the study is totally false, that Seattle might not be the most representative area or that 500 people are hardly the gaming nation of millions. But c’mon – let’s use the science as long as it’s there, right?