Overly Positive

Today I’ve got a message of hope – as delivering hope and sunny optimism is a core function of this here blog – for all of you players out there of “New-Out-Of-Box” skill level. That’s right – it’s time to make the noobs feel better.

Are you the one who charges right ahead of your team in a team game and dies first because you think you can take 20 guys all by yourself? What about if you’re the one who picks up the flag and has less of a clue about where to go to cap it than a monkey on speed? Or maybe you’re the last guy alive and you just can’t remember that darned “disarm bomb” button even though a 5 year old would know it. Yep, you’re a noob.

It’s real easy to despair being called a noob, you know. After all, having to endure the slights and insults thrown around about you, your parents, and your current or future progeny is in and of itself a not-so-pleasant experience. Sure, you can always fall back on the whole “I have a life and you don’t” argument, but what if the person you launch that tried and true counter-volley at is actually a successful CEO with 3 kids and more cars than the Indy 500? Because everyone tells the truth on the Internet, you’d be totally screwed.

Some people like to struggle out of the noob label by simply getting better at a game. But finding out things like where on the map you’re supposed to go when you get started or worse yet, reading instructions or guides written by non-noobs takes effort and time – time better spent making half-hearted passes at people you’re attracted to at the bar. Besides, rolling your face across the keyboard as opposed to hitting the correct buttons in sequence is both stress-relieving and relaxing for your forehead.

Not to worry though – noobs by definition serve a valuable and meaningful function. For one thing, someone has to do it. I mean, it does kind of suck being the smallest insect at the bottom of the food chain, but you know what – without that insignificant bug with no ability to fend for itself, the whole ecosystem would fall apart. Such is the way it is with the serious business of online team games. If there wasn’t a noob, there wouldn’t be people to compare the lowest common denominator to. The highest of the high scores would become the standard, setting an unrealistic bar for those aspiring to be better. Mass chaos and flames would ensue.

Noobs provide entertainment value, too. If there wasn’t someone out there who blew themselves up with the murderball or a grenade that bounced back at their team, there would be less joy and Youtube videos out in the wild. If there wasn’t hilarious lol’s to be had at someone who plays Madden so badly they get sacked in their own endzone 4 times a quarter, people looking to relieve stress over losing a close game would resort to fits of rage and anguish over not being as  good as someone else. The laughing stock that noobs are often put into isn’t ab object of ridicule – it’s a service to others.

Lastly, there’s the educational aspect. If there wasn’t someone out there who made stupid mistakes like shooting their own teammates in the head with shotguns or wading into the enemy respawn zone in an effort to be Jean Claude Van Damme with a sword then no one would know what not to do. People would be left to fend for themselves from a learning perspective without obviously wrong things that noobs tend to do. Think about it guys and gals – who would Gallant be without Goofus? Who would Megatron be without Starscream? That’s right, nobody. The online world needs people who bungle their way through a game of Call of Duty or Halo, and that’s where noobs come in.

So hold your heads up high, noobs, and continue to be who you are – people that make me feel better about my 2 to 15 score because you scored 1 kill (yourself) and 30 deaths. I’ll be rooting for you.