During my time as an internet forum moderator I have honestly heard it all. I’ve heard the best things, the worst things, and been called all kinds of wonderful and amazing names that somehow involve a donkey, a 10 foot pole, and various parts of my anatomy. I have to say, guys and gals, that the feedback is greatly appreciated. Who else is going to keep us moderators humble like the people who love to use bodily functions to describe their posts? Someone has to play the role, right?
Lately though, my brow has been furrowed with concern. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m still getting the same awesomely helpful feedback of how I offer sexual gratification for very little money, but it just seems, well – something is off. People just aren’t giving feedback in a way that really is productive. They’re not really giving me something that I can take away from and treat as a precious nugget of wisdom. So in an effort to be helpful, and of course, bring the quality of PMs in my overflowing inbox up just a notch, I’m going to offer some helpful tips on some of the more common criticisms.
The moderators are such nazis: See, now this is just getting to the point where it’s overdone. I mean, c’mon – you guys are geeks. You’re supposed to be imaginative and wordy! Just because every single FPS out there has probably stolen and depicted every segment of World War II doesn’t mean that it needs to be in every piece of moderator feedback. At least change it up and tell us we’re like Attila the Hun, or Vlad the Impaler, or Barney the Dinosaur. There’s so much more historical material out there.
The mods can’t restrict my freedom of speech, fight the man!: Ok, so this isn’t so bad – it at least has that Braveheart feel to it, right? But aside from people not getting beheaded for screaming about freedom, it really doesn’t have that extra “oomph” to it, you know? I mean, when we edit or delete that post you made about how you would rather take a dump on a baby than play the game, at least try to put in something that really gives me that freedom fighter mentality. I hear Rambo or Chuck Norris movies are great material for this stuff.
The mods are powerhungry bitches and bastards: First off, how can you eat power? I think it’s honestly logistically impossible even in the figurative sense. What does power taste like, anyway? I certainly don’t taste anything when I am pressing the ban button 100 times a day kicking people off the forums for such gems as “I hope you die from sucking cock you whore-faced moron”. If I’m hungry for anythign during my moderator time, it’s for a nice juicy bottom sirloin steak and a beer. Sadly, volunteer moderators get bad benefits.
The mods are probably fat people living in their mom’s basement making up for their lack of lives: Well gee, in today’s market, everyone’s living in condos, for one. I can’t have a basement that is exclusively mine, so I can’t actually be living in it. And the lack of lives is universal, but my goodness, it’s so completely generic. I’m sure you guys can do better than that. How about telling us what we actually do with our lives, like not go out and sit at home all day eating instant ramen and IM-stalking people we probably have no chance of sleeping with much less meeting? That’s actually specific and it really hits home.
And, of course, I can’t let this go without…
The mods suck: You know, I could be sucking a straw, sucking a lollipop, sucking on my thumb after devouring a slab of ribs, and that would be considered a compliment. See what I did there? Again, you’ve got to get specific about the sucking. Otherwise, how else am I going to figure out that sucking is a bad thing and not a good thing?
I truly hope this commentary on the best of the best in terms of moderator feedback leads to higher quality posts. It’s the Internet, after all, so your imagination and insight should be boundless and not limited to the mind of a 3-year old witha coloring book. I know you’re better than that.
