So I realize out there that some of you might be a little bit unaware of the essentials that every Internet forum moderator possesses in order to do the job that they do every day to promote the function of their little corner of controlled chaos. Because moderators certainly have to have a chance to check their inboxes for that sunny little bit of mail labeled with the subject “You Suck Nazi Moderator”, it’s important to highlight the things that they simply must have before wandering out into the forum jungle.
No moderator should be without their trusty Banhammer, because it’s just like having a machete in a rain forest. Without it, a moderator is compeltely and absolutely helpless to deal with the harsh native civilization that is the forum whore.
And what about the Flame Retardant Suit? Sure, some forum posters may actually don these, but the ones they’ve got pale in comparison to the high-quality model that a forum moderator has to put on every day to deal with such shining gems of the community such as “the admin of this site is a selfish prick” and “I din’t deserve to be modded by someone who reads worse than a 5#%#$%#-ing monkey”.
There’s the ever-useful Super Sticky Glue, which is used to pin up the diamonds in the poop of the forum community for all to see. And of course, there’s the controversial Alchemist’s Tome, used to varying degrees by moderators who might just need to change a post around from being a beautiful flame rising into the board’s night sky into a sputtering waterspout.
Of course, no moderator’s toolkit is complete without some nourishment. There’s the obvious Bottle of Aspirin, not exactly the stuff you’d expect in a daily meal, but considering the way some moderators experience that wondrous feeling of exploding brain power, it might as well be considered “part of a healthy breakfast”. And last, but not least, the Suspiciously Concealed Beverage in a Paper Bag - because a liquid lunch is the only way moderators can get through a day full of bannings, complaints, and other trademarks of a happy and healthy forum community.
So the next time you see a moderator stumbling through a few half-formed posts about trying to create good content or only half-restricting someone’s posting by only allowing them to talk in profanity, remind them of the tools at their disposal. They’ll thank you for it.