Those of you who have had the joy and somewhat disturbing feeling of playing one of those MMORPG games for 12 hours or more of your day have certainly come upon some PvP, or “Player vs. Player” combat. PvP, in its purest, ideal form, is a spirited competition of skills, teamwork, and good clean fun. The combatants have a nice little match and message each other with such attaboy comments as “that was a splendid match, my good chap and rival, let us meet again on the field of battle once more”.
But much like the disturbing memory of catching your parents having sex or walking in on your roommate’s unfortunate obsession with brooms, you find that actual PvP dashes your hopes and dreams. That’s because actual PvP is all about how badly you can simulate tebagging your dead opponent after mashing buttons randomly, while screaming sentences that contain any combination of the words “shit”, “cockowned”, and “donkey”. Hey – I said we were positive, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t “real”, right?
Yes, PvP’s reality is harsh. But buck up, young Jedis, because it’s not that hard to succeed at a PvP game. All you have to do is not suck. Obviously, the fact that your opponent can go on the nearest forum and post a love note at you that thanks you for being the stupidest PvP’er ever means you need to bulk up. You need to build those geek muscles of yours and go kick some sand in that online bully’s face, especially since that’ll impress that female elf player that you might soon discover has more in common with you than you know. You need to go look up the best button-mashing combinations and you need to play a class that clearly is good at running away but equally as good at killing your enemy at the most opportune time possible – when he’s got 10hp left. Rogues, those stereotypical sneaky classes that somehow have the ability to bend light and space and be completely invisible, work just fine.
Clearly the fact that your wonderfully grammatically gifted opponent bested you is not a clear indication of how obsessive they are with the game. They might be a person who finds a sad, pathetic existence destroying others online since they’re actually a fat slob barely holding a McDonald’s job, but that doesn’t mean you have to tell them the truth about it, right? You just have to be competitive. Start playing 15 hours a day to their 12. Practice your board grammar skills by calling someone a cock every 2 sentences. Make yourself into something you’re not. Because damn, you need to prove yourself on the Internet so that hoards of people you don’t even know won’t point and laugh at you. Of course, this means foregoing all those actual relationships you’ve got – but what’s 5 or 6 real life friends to the adoring, faceless masses of online gameplay?
Inspired? Great. Now go out there and start practicing your teabagging. You’ll need it.