Worst Case Geek Scenarios – How to Deal With Being Kicked Offline
Here at Overly Positive, we’re all about making sure that our readers not only approach the lemons in life with a cool pitcher of “homemade” lemonade. That includes when they find themselves in the most terrible of situations, whether it’s a computer failure on the night when your guild is killing the Uber Boss of Pink Smiting, or dealing with that funny bright light that comes from your windows that isn’t like the soothing, digitized one from your TV, to much more.
I’ve always been inspired by the series of “Worst Case Scenario” books, and in that same vein, we’re going to be presenting some “Worst Case Geek Scenarios” every so often. With these helpful step-by-steps, you’ll be more mentally agile than a ninja – a great victory, considering the fact that some of you might be only physically agile enough to reach for the next Bawls or greasy pizza slice. Hey, we work with what you have, you know?
So with that being said, here’s the first in a series that might even be mildly popular years from now.
How To Deal With Being Kicked Offline
The fact that you are not able to refresh your Facebook page to see what your other attention whoring friends are doing is not immediately critical to your health. Take long, deep breaths. Refrain from taking any physical action against things near you, especially those that can hurt you, such as a glass, the sharp edge of your computer, and your pets.
Use Calming Imagery to Soothe Your Senses.
Stare at the computer, or at any other convenient glassy surface that might look like a monitor, and imagine you are browsing your favorite pornographic website. Think about the next time you will insult the person on the forums who called you a “no-life, fanboy retard”. Visualize the very cool future when you will literally plug yourself in to the Internet. These images will serve to take your mind off of not being online.
While waiting for your connection to return, do some other activity. Clean your desk and get rid of old takeout containers, caffeine cans, and game boxes. Empty the bucket or bag you used to relieve yourself during your last all-night session. Intently and slowly read the webpage you were on when you were disconnected, to temporarily deal with feelings of withdrawal. Please note that suicide is not a sufficient or productive distraction.
Call or Bribe a Good Techie Friend to Fix Your Issue.
Because you are not online, the usual methods of communication over Instant Messenger or MySpace will be unavailable. Take note of the methods to get to a technically-adept friend and be prepared to use more primitive forms of communication such as actually speaking. Cellphones with text-messaging functionality will be great in a pinch. Once contact has been established, create a bargaining scenario. Offer favorite games, picking up the tab on the next White Castle run, or the IM ID of a supposedly attractive member of the sex of their preference for their assistance. Do not offer parents or psychotic exes as bargaining chips, as this may have consequences later.
Appeal to the ISP.
In a situation where you have no friends, or have otherwise had no real idea of how to interact socially with others, you may contact your internet service provider. Be prepared to unleash pent-up rage with them over your inconvenience as it may secure you faster service. To assist this further, visualize the digitized avatar of the person who killed you 35 times in your last gaming session, who you know was cheating and who couldn’t be better than you. When you are shaking, you are ready. Speak to the ISP representative in barely coherent babbling at a high volume, and take care to shout into the receiver so as to properly convey your distress. Allow for occasional reassurance and have a glass of water handy to parch a raw throat from screaming repeatedly.
And they say blogs aren’t helpful…