Wii Are The World

So out of E3, among many other marketing shills and other wow things meant to impress the media, there’s a little tidbit from Nintendo that says they have confirmed that WiiMusic, a music simulator, will come to homes this holiday season. WiiMusic was in the original lineup of games but was mysteriously missing from the library – until now.

Apparently with WiiMusic, all you have to do is mimic playing the instrument of choice with the Wiimote while pressing buttons. Unlike other games where you have to follow a rhythm or match notes, all you have to do is be enthusiastic and the music comes out golden, no matter what. This way, anyone can make music, even if they have the musical talent of a dying giraffe on drugs.

This stuff looks great. It won’t be long before we have people waving around their Wiimotes with musical glee – the same people who have problems playing Fisher-Price instruments and strumming in time with colored keys. Finally, the rhythm outcasts get their say, making Guitar Hero and Rock Band enthusiasts turn up their noses and getting actual musicians to see their living get taken down to yet another notch.

But musicians bashing their expensive violins aside, all this Wii stuff with making things realistic got me thinking. We’re really on the edge of something here. A place where Wiimotes take the place of swords and guns. A place where you can supposedly break your wrist snowboarding but somehow, not on a Wii Balance Board. It’s not Wii would like to play. It’s Wii would like to Stay.

Just imagine the possibilities:

WiiEat – Simulate the joy of eating, whether it’s stirring up a plate of spaghetti with the Wiimote or using the nunchuk to scoop up that last bit of pixellated pie. Have a good old fashioned food night by whipping the Wiimote like a crazed monkey at your friends. Best of all – don’t get fat, and in fact lose weight due to the fact that you’re neglecting actual eating for virtual eating. Everyone wins.

WiiWork – Get children oriented to the long, hard grind of reporting to the same job for 20 years and being stuck in the wonderful, perpetually dull Cubicleland. Slack off at your WiiWorkplace, make mistakes with your TPS reports, and use the Wiimote to perform Powerpoint presentations no one can stay awake through for longer than 5 minutes. Take smoke breaks and water cooler trips and simulate taking a drag while complaining pitifully about your miserable worker drone existence with others. Literally flush your paycheck down the Wiitoilet by paying bills you will never see the end of. It’s all about the accurate experience, and WiiWork will bring it.

WiiPost – Point at the forum posts on the screen and come up with a highly original response using a mixture of the words “lol”, “ur”, “noob”, and “learn2”, among others! Start a Wiiforum war with your friends and click incessantly on a thread in a desperate attempt to build up attention whoring points for your virtual forum audience. Complete this online experience by uploading pictures of yourself simulating suicide while posting “tl;dr” to every post over 3 sentences. Complete the forum experience you’re used to, and bring it to the Wii.

and of course…

WiiSuck – bringing the Wii to a broader, older audience for endless enjoyment and surprise.

It’s only a matter of time, folks. The possibilities are endless. Get ready.

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