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Archives: July 2008

July 30, 2008

Guild Side Story

by Frank — Categories: Internet — Tags: , , , — 1 Comment

One of the best things about being a forum moderator is that you get the most delicious and awesome love notes. Sure, more often than not they usually say “assface” when they really mean “great mod”, and maybe when they’re saying that thing about your mom being great in the sack it isn’t quite a compliment, but hey, you take what you get, especially here at Overly Positive.

Today I had to help administer some sad justice on two guilds who’ve been fighitng on the forums since what appears to be the beginning of time. I don’t even know how it started anymore, and frankly, it’s probably just some innocent misunderstanding. It was probably some guy, who, awed by some incredible post, wanted to say “you’re a capital fellow, that was a scholarly pont and you are intelligent beyond measure”, but it just came out only looking like they typed “ur a stupid nub, gtfo, diaf, go suck a cock”. Ah, text on the internet is really hard to interpret.

Anyway, I really had to step in after someone just a little too far, and I got this little note forwarded from someone:

I’d like to appeal this infraction. That guy was in our guild thread. So…I think this without merit.

Well, I just had to stop and think about that for a moment. I mean, why shouldn’t you treat that little corner of the internet like it was your turf in some online version of a gang war? Why shouldn’t you decide to waste time making sure you got in the last word on an argument even though someone can always type something back? Heck, a guild recruitment thread, that’s just sacred territory. You don’t go rolling up in someone’s grill like that, yo. I mean, why bother with actually posting something unimportant, like participating in a great discussion over game mechanics, or making suggestions about how to make the site better, or posting news items? You’ve got a house to protect, holmes, and yeah, while it’s more like a cardboard box in someone else’s mansion, it’s your damn box and no one’s going to piss on it.

I’m sure these rival guilds who fight all the time have got an image to uphold, too. Seriously – keeping up the love, and sometimes, fear, of those adoring anonymous internet masses is a lot of work. How dare I step in and ruin a guild’s need to whore themselves to the closest captive audience by gangbanging some person from “the other side” with flames and trolls! And what’s worse, I’m screwing with their teambuilding and synergy. There’s nothing better to build your sense of unity by all posting a link to some photoshopped RL picture of your enemy in a bondage suit getting it from a horse.

So really, I have to thank this random guy (or girl) for this epiphany. Continue on, 150 page guild threads – because you really need someone to step on to make yourselves feel better.

That’s guild thug life, youknow what I’m sayin’?

July 30, 2008

Fat Princesses Need Love Too

by Frank — Categories: Gaming — Tags: — Leave a comment

So thanks to Eating Bees, I have something that I just had to talk about today. New PSN game Fat Princess is taking a lot of heat because of the fact that some people think it makes fat people look bad. With the object of the Capture-The-Flag variant being to make it harder to score points by stuffing the Princess til she’s about to burst, portly people everywhere appear to be up in arms.

Honestly, I just have to see the good side in all of this. I mean, thank about it. Fatness is not demonized, but glorified in this game – the fatter the princess is, the harder she is to capture. If someone who’s a little weight-challenged has ever had to bear the pain of being picked last for Dodgeball because they provided a bigger, slower target, this is the game for them. Here, being fat is an asset, not a curse.

What about the fact that the game is ultra-realistic? So the game appears to teach people that if you eat a lot, you will indeed gain weight. This is amazing – I mean, it’s highly accurate. Surely no one can argue that the sheer accuracy of the portrayal of gaining weight after eating is valuable to our children, not harmful. It’s totally a lesson in saying that overstuffing yourself or your friends with too much food will ultimately make them harder to carry when they fall asleep after that 50th White Castle burger. It’s almost as if the people who should be protesting are not the obese, but the restaurants that ultimately feed them, for lessening their business of distributing delectable, unhealthy treats for all.

And really, let’s not forget the obvious game benefit. I mean, unless it was Jabba the Hutt, when was the last time a really fat person-thing-creature was the main focus of a video game. Be happy there’s a crack in that Lara Croft, Kasumi, and Rachel armor – first Fat Princess, next, the world.

Fat is Phat.

July 29, 2008

The Babe of Averages

by Frank — Categories: Gaming — Tags: — Leave a comment

So out of Games Radar comes a story about the women of video games that don’t quite make the cut. And by cut, I mean not making the cut necessary to show off their cleavage, their legs, or something else you’d probably not consider “safe for work”. From Pauline to Jennifer Mui to Kate McReary, this B-List of video game women just doesn’t seem to be good enough for the adoring attention of hopelessly female-starved fanboys playing games.

There’s folks who deplore the existence of such, well, average stuff in a game industry that demands a bust size at minimum of C, but like people who have to literally shovel crap for a living, someone has to do it. For every bouncy Kasumi out there, there has to be a Meryl Silverburgh. Where would the hordes of Tifa fawners be without the short-lived fame of the more clothed and therefore more boring Aeris? What about Lara Croft without Jill Valentine? Like with many things, you need an average in order to have extremes.

And let’s not forget variety. I mean, how boring would it be out there if every video game female out there was blonde, bursting out of their clothes, and bicurious for the sake of marketing? It’s like working at a chocolate factory – sure it’d taste good the first week or so, but after that, you’d be desperate for something different. There is such a thing as too much of something good. Besides, you could come to appreciate a “C” grade woman, and who knows – just like Ugly Betty, there might be a hottie hiding underneath that homely face.

So the next time you breathe a sigh of disappointment as a female in a video game comes out with the audacity to not wear a tank top and short shorts, just think that you’ll truly appreciate the next time that you see a “real” video game woman who is built like a porn star, kicks ass like a cracked out prostitute, and would probably only sleep with you for as much money as you’d pay a call girl if she was real.

Because you know, those women have plenty of personality.

July 27, 2008

Fan Convention Tips for Celebrities

by Frank — Categories: Conventions — Tags: , — Leave a comment

With this weekend being the geek orgy event that is Comic Con, I’m starting to see from my highly comfortable yet envious seat back here in the Midwest that there are a bunch of people who are first-time celebrities to Comic Con. Either they’ve become famous in the past year or so, or they’re heading to the event for the first time and are barely hiding their “deer in headlights” looks during their interviews. Well, it’s not like any of them will take the time to check out a random blog like this one, but for those people who just might mistype their domain search and somehow end up here, I’ve got a quick survival guide for you.

  • Minimize Direct Contact – The geek or fanboy that comes to these conventions takes care of themselves slightly better than an elephant at a zoo, and they probably look like one too. Watch for the telltale signs that they are about to try to touch you – including uncontrollable slobbering, nervous tics, and complete lack of speaking ability when in front of you. If you don’t want to go back to your mansion with something worse than the plague, deny the handshake.
  • Costumer Craziness – There will be costumers of every size, shape, and color at a typical con. Don’t worry – they mostly want attention on themselves and not you so you don’t have to worry about them fainting all over you and crimping that $5000 suit you’re wearing. Just be wary of the telltale signs that the screws are not quite tightened. Red flag – they’re costuming as you.
  • Crowds Can be Dangerous – Don’t think that just because you’ve become the Internet’s darling over the past year that you don’t think the massive crowd won’t trample you at a moment’s notice to get to the free giveaway or contest at the booth behind you. You are away from your limo and your entourage, and while you can count on the con organizers to provide warm bodies to get smashed while you make your getaway, make no mistake about it – there are people everywhere. Hope you aren’t claustrophobic.
  • Watch What’s in the Air – Because yes, that distinct odor is the smell of, literally, the “unwashed” masses.

Good luck this weekend, Comic Con virgin celebs! Don’t get scared off, and I hope we here at Overly Positive have given you the tools you need to survive to that next multi-billion dollar movie deal.

July 25, 2008

Happy SysAdmin Day!

by Frank — Categories: Computers — Tags: , , — Leave a comment

Insanity, you are SysadminNow, this isn’t just because I’m a Sysadmin myself and have gotten showered with a few random gifts already, oh no. But today, for those of you who don’t remember, is SysAdmin Day.

What’s SysAdmin Day? Heck, what’s a SysAdmin? Aside from “that weenie who is antisocial and who is repsonsible for email”, they are the first and last line of defense when it comes to your services you just love to take for granted. XBox Live statistics? Website providers? Pornography downloaders? They’re all at some point run by some overworked, underpaid SysAdmin. If it weren’t for the fact that we were all slightly crazy and the fact that we prioritize our coffee over our productivity, we’d have taken over the world already.

SysAdmins are the ones who are probably paged when you whine on a forum about a server being down at 3am in the morning. They’re the ones who have to deal with the fact that someone thought it would be funny to forward the “Who’s on First” joke to everyone in the company 50 times. They’re also the people who clean up after the mess you made when you decided to webhost a 2 GB image. They’re like the plumbers and mechanics of the technology world, except without the necessity of seeing their buttcrack (mostly) when they are bent over in front of you fixing something.

SysAdmins should take heart, because if someone wasn’t as masochistic and as insane as them to do their jobs, then you’d have ordinary people responsible for creating passwords and accounts, putting in quotas for shared spaces, and deciding how much network traffic they’re allowed to have. It would be a very liberating hour, right before mass chaos ensued and people devoured each other like wild animals. Armed with their pagers on 24/7 call, a perpetual sleepy-eyed look that may or may not be the result of drugs, and a sense of humor that is a blend of George Carlin and Gallagher, you SysAdmins are the only thing standing in the way of people and total technological anarchy.

And they said you wouldn’t amount to anything in high school.

So remember to think of your SysAdmins, folks, and thank them for a job well done, or at least a job you don’t have to do. Why, even I got a gift today. They really shouldn’t have gotten me that 15-server downtime and that network connection fubar. They were also so thoughtful to bring down email, too.

I feel so loved.

July 24, 2008

Get With the (OS) Times

by Frank — Categories: Computers — Tags: , , — Leave a comment

I work in the field of Information Technology when I’m not messing with my productivity by blogging to people about cheering up about their meaningless, empty, sexless lives. By the way, light is at the end of the tunnel, friends!

So with the obligatory motivation out of the way, I’d like to talk about one of the things that people keep being afraid of when it comes to technology. I’m talking about an OS upgrade.

Honestly, there are some people who fear an OS upgrade like they would fear having a root canal. Clutching their computers to their chests, they huddle in a corner, fearful of the next best advancement in the OS world. While many others are giddy with anticipation and do such crazy things as put up countdown websites and wait in line for midnight releases, these Luddites of the technology world will do no such leap of faith. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, they say, all the while watching and waiting for the new OS to crash and burn like they said it would.

All I have to say is – hey, it’s not that bad. I like to equate this from going from a small little kiddie pool to the one at the gym. Sure, the water is a bit different, it takes getting used to, and there’s a chance that you might find some kind of nasty surprise floating around when you hop in. But once you get used to it, it’s not that bad. OS upgrades are the same way. Yeah, ok, so they moved around the icons and programs around so you don’t know where anything is. Yeah, fine, so the first few times you try to patch, the computer, if it doesn’t immediately vomit on you, will tell you all your devices need to be reinstalled due to “driver issues”.

But it’s the new stuff! It’s the bleeding edge. It’s so bleeding edge your toes will be bathed in red. Imagine the wonder you will show to your friends as you boot up that latest bit of desktop goodness. You may want to rehearse a couple times with your computer before they arrive – you know, just so that you can see that it won’t be the time it gives you a critical error. You might also want to cover up those scuff marks on your machine that came from the beating you gave it in an attempt to get it to not choke on your favorite website. Heck, even if it doesn’t boot, you can always turn to your snickering buddies, feign a smile and say, “yeah, it has a few bugs still – but that’s technology, and it’s hot!”. Either way, you’ll be the talk of the town.

So the next time you see that shiny new OS, don’t hesitate to just scoop it up right away. After all, practicality and waiting for the first major patch are for the timid. Live in the here and now, or be left behind in the dust with all those boring people who are working quietly at home and able to do their stuff on their old, stuffy operating systems. Use your computer for what it was made for – showing off the best new crap in the flashiest and most obnoxious way possible.

July 23, 2008

The Care and Feeding of Moderators

by Frank — Categories: Internet — Tags: , , , — Leave a comment

Perhaps the greatest masochists on the Internet happen to be those that take on the task of overlooking forums. I’m one of these people. We love to have to deal with two people posting pictures ofSome ex their balls in an attempt to outdo each other. We adore having to look at a 25 page thread regarding an argument that has basically devolved into two people shouting at one another while the rest of the audience throws flames about their target of choice’s gender, orientation, and need to sleep with monkeys. And we really just can’t get enough of those silly pictures that have immortalized Patrick Stewart, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and cats all over the world.

But even moderators need some care once in a while. See that moderator who follows every sentence with a smiley and behaves more like your mother would than a person your age? They are just one hour of neglect away from becoming an acid-spewing, powertripping, psycho killer, armed with a giant ban button and plenty of pent-up rage. So aside from posting a thread titled “wut do u think is gay”, there are a few things you should remember when dealing with your friendly neighborhood moderator.

The first is to be sure to shower appropriate praise once in a while. Moderators are like plants – they like a little sunshine and a good watering once in a while. Some examples include exuding appropriate fear response when a moderator bans 5 of your friends, starting a thread in which you compliment the moderator on their choice of clothes even though you can’t see them, and saying “thank you, may I please have another” when they post a warning to you about telling someone to go fuck themselves with a dirty rake. But be wary – just like plants, moderators hate drowning in too much water and can’t stand the burning pitch of your bright, happy commentary on their thankless job. Attaching your lips to the moderator’s ass will be a sure sign that you will be banned in the near future for being a stalker.

Another thing is to be helpful. Be sure to report every single post you can find that is offensive, especially the ones that are offensive to you. A minimum of 50 reported posts a day will keep your moderator busy and filled with plenty of quality content to sift through. Why, you’ll even be a hero to them for being so vigilant. Sure, your moderator might explode at their computer and decide to instantly ban people after dealing with reported post #15, but in that sense, that will be less people to compete for the affection of the moderator who is rightfully yours. And you’ll never have to see a thread that makes fun of your secret Pokemon fetish again.

But I really have to stress that nothing probably helps us moderators more than creating content, and lots of it. Moderators like me really get going when there’s a lot of content to look at, because otherwise we’d get suddenly bored and decide to randomly ban people whose usernames start with the letter “R”. For the sake of the community (and especially for those of you whose favorite username starts with “R”), it’s your duty to prevent your moderators from getting bored. This means creating plenty of threads. Don’t worry if they have improper spelling, have less than ten characters for letters, or are in the wrong place. Your helpful moderator will move it to the proper place and they will have plenty to do with your 5 threads about how you got sooooo drunk last night or what to do if your significant other tells you you should stop looking for porn while they’re in the room. Honestly, your moderator will be so thankful to you for having the spirit to make threads that belong like they should be in your blog or over instant messenger. They may even find it so stunning that you might not be able to post because they just want you to stop being so awesome with your thread creating insight.

Remember this stuff, guys and gals. It’s definitely sound advice.

July 22, 2008

Gank-O-Meter

by Frank — Categories: Gaming — Tags: , , , — 2 Comments

Those of you who have had the joy and somewhat disturbing feeling of playing one of those MMORPG games for 12 hours or more of your day have certainly come upon some PvP, or “Player vs. Player” combat. PvP, in its purest, ideal form, is a spirited competition of skills, teamwork, and good clean fun. The combatants have a nice little match and message each other with such attaboy comments as “that was a splendid match, my good chap and rival, let us meet again on the field of battle once more”.

But much like the disturbing memory of catching your parents having sex or walking in on your roommate’s unfortunate obsession with brooms, you find that actual PvP dashes your hopes and dreams. That’s because actual PvP is all about how badly you can simulate tebagging your dead opponent after mashing buttons randomly, while screaming sentences that contain any combination of the words “shit”, “cockowned”, and “donkey”. Hey – I said we were positive, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t “real”, right?

Yes, PvP’s reality is harsh. But buck up, young Jedis, because it’s not that hard to succeed at a PvP game. All you have to do is not suck. Obviously, the fact that your opponent can go on the nearest forum and post a love note at you that thanks you for being the stupidest PvP’er ever means you need to bulk up. You need to build those geek muscles of yours and go kick some sand in that online bully’s face, especially since that’ll impress that female elf player that you might soon discover has more in common with you than you know. You need to go look up the best button-mashing combinations and you need to play a class that clearly is good at running away but equally as good at killing your enemy at the most opportune time possible – when he’s got 10hp left. Rogues, those stereotypical sneaky classes that somehow have the ability to bend light and space and be completely invisible, work just fine.

Clearly the fact that your wonderfully grammatically gifted opponent bested you is not a clear indication of how obsessive they are with the game. They might be a person who finds a sad, pathetic existence destroying others online since they’re actually a fat slob barely holding a McDonald’s job, but that doesn’t mean you have to tell them the truth about it, right? You just have to be competitive. Start playing 15 hours a day to their 12. Practice your board grammar skills by calling someone a cock every 2 sentences. Make yourself into something you’re not. Because damn, you need to prove yourself on the Internet so that hoards of people you don’t even know won’t point and laugh at you. Of course, this means foregoing all those actual relationships you’ve got – but what’s 5 or 6 real life friends to the adoring, faceless masses of online gameplay?

Inspired? Great. Now go out there and start practicing your teabagging. You’ll need it.

July 21, 2008

The YouTube Gallery

by Frank — Categories: Internet — Tags: , , — Leave a comment

If you ever wanted to get a slice of what people on the Internet like to say, look no further than the peanut gallery of a Youtube video. Those of you not in the know require very little explanation – Youtube videos have a comments section in which users can leave impressions of whatever they’re viewing at the time, whether that is a movie trailer, a tv show clip, or a clip appropriately titled “Toddler road rage”.

There are some really interesting comments on a YouTube video. Some are thoughtful ideas and expressions. Of course, once you put those to the side (comprising a grand total of perhaps 1 comment per video), you get arguments, one-liners from wanna be comedians, Chuck Norris jokes, and even chain letter SPAM. I have to say you should stay away from the comment that tells you not to read it that informs you that you will soon die, as it makes for a real downer the rest of the day, you know?

I do have to say, I have to question some of these people that post this stuff. Sure, it might be appropriate in a fart video to basically talk like you have diarrhea coming out of your mouth, but I honestly fail to understand how it is works everywhere else. People should realize that for every 10 seconds they spend typing “lol i’d hit it” to a “Fat Girl Falls Down Stairs” video, that’s 10 seconds getting more important things done. So once again, I’ve got a bulleted list, just for you, YouTube peanut gallery.

  • Take an alcoholic shot – I mean, c’mon – posting that particularly insightful comment to say “yo bitches first comment” means you’re killing some brain cells. If you’re going to do that, you might as well do it with more efficiency. So feel free to crack open your parents’ bottle of vodka and take a swig. it’s a real killer.
  • Post your own video – Surely you can join the many ranks of YouTube yourself by putting up your own quality video with poor sound, the voice of a 13-year old with anger management issues, and a $15 webcam. And for attention whoring, which is the absolutely legitimate and not at all pathetic reason why you’re putting up your comments, it’s much, much more efficient.
  • Watch another awesome video – if you’re wasting time with typing out something that your grade school grammar teacher would weep over, then you can waste that time checking out yet another original example of a YouTube video. Hey, let’s face it – no matter how someone films it, there’s always something hilarious about someone singing Backstreet Boys. Especially when it’s the Backstreet Boys singing.
  • Forward the video to friends – It’s a certainty that your friends (those of them that actually have jobs, of course) aren’t going to get annoyed or in trouble with their boss if you just forward on the video link to them. If you’re commenting, you’re wasting time used to share a mildly humorous video that will offend at least one person who you talk with regularly. So fire up the forward button on “Firecracker Takes Off Kid’s Arm”, because your friends are just itching to stop their productivity for 5 minutes.

Of course, there are entirely appropriate places to put comments – like this blog, for example, which gets almost none. I’ve got no problems feigning a caring tone for your amazingly insightful “lol u suk” feedback.

July 21, 2008

Worst Case Geek Scenarios – How to Deal With Being Kicked Offline

by Frank — Categories: Worst Case Geek Scenarios — Tags: , — Leave a comment

Here at Overly Positive, we’re all about making sure that our readers not only approach the lemons in life with a cool pitcher of “homemade” lemonade. That includes when they find themselves in the most terrible of situations, whether it’s a computer failure on the night when your guild is killing the Uber Boss of Pink Smiting, or dealing with that funny bright light that comes from your windows that isn’t like the soothing, digitized one from your TV, to much more.

I’ve always been inspired by the series of “Worst Case Scenario” books, and in that same vein, we’re going to be presenting some “Worst Case Geek Scenarios” every so often. With these helpful step-by-steps, you’ll be more mentally agile than a ninja – a great victory, considering the fact that some of you might be only physically agile enough to reach for the next Bawls or greasy pizza slice. Hey, we work with what you have, you know?

So with that being said, here’s the first in a series that might even be mildly popular years from now.

How To Deal With Being Kicked Offline

Don’t Panic.
The fact that you are not able to refresh your Facebook page to see what your other attention whoring friends are doing is not immediately critical to your health. Take long, deep breaths. Refrain from taking any physical action against things near you, especially those that can hurt you, such as a glass, the sharp edge of your computer, and your pets.

Use Calming Imagery to Soothe Your Senses.
Stare at the computer, or at any other convenient glassy surface that might look like a monitor, and imagine you are browsing your favorite pornographic website. Think about the next time you will insult the person on the forums who called you a “no-life, fanboy retard”. Visualize the very cool future when you will literally plug yourself in to the Internet. These images will serve to take your mind off of not being online.

Create Distractions.
While waiting for your connection to return, do some other activity. Clean your desk and get rid of old takeout containers, caffeine cans, and game boxes. Empty the bucket or bag you used to relieve yourself during your last all-night session. Intently and slowly read the webpage you were on when you were disconnected, to temporarily deal with feelings of withdrawal. Please note that suicide is not a sufficient or productive distraction.

Call or Bribe a Good Techie Friend to Fix Your Issue.
Because you are not online, the usual methods of communication over Instant Messenger or MySpace will be unavailable. Take note of the methods to get to a technically-adept friend and be prepared to use more primitive forms of communication such as actually speaking. Cellphones with text-messaging functionality will be great in a pinch. Once contact has been established, create a bargaining scenario. Offer favorite games, picking up the tab on the next White Castle run, or the IM ID of a supposedly attractive member of the sex of their preference for their assistance. Do not offer parents or psychotic exes as bargaining chips, as this may have consequences later.

Appeal to the ISP.
In a situation where you have no friends, or have otherwise had no real idea of how to interact socially with others, you may contact your internet service provider. Be prepared to unleash pent-up rage with them over your inconvenience as it may secure you faster service. To assist this further, visualize the digitized avatar of the person who killed you 35 times in your last gaming session, who you know was cheating and who couldn’t be better than you. When you are shaking, you are ready. Speak to the ISP representative in barely coherent babbling at a high volume, and take care to shout into the receiver so as to properly convey your distress. Allow for occasional reassurance and have a glass of water handy to parch a raw throat from screaming repeatedly.

And they say blogs aren’t helpful…

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